Hearing the Voice of God

Today I have been working on a blog or two and wonder how much is me and how much I can really say is hearing the voice of God in what I choose to write or think is directed by Him.

So I step out and try to write about hearing God’s voice. Is that taking the Creator of the universe and putting Him on a page or in position where he comes down to my size? I don’t think so! I think that I can hear my Dad’s voice and He is not less of a reality because of it. I have a voice. I want people to hear me. Why do we think we need a Man of God (Preacher) or clergy member to relate what God is speaking to us already. I have been lead astray many times by words that men have given me. Things they said were from God. I have friends who lived with fear of death because of words men have given to them saying they were from God.

I believe that God loves me and that I have favor with Him. He loves me so much that He forgives me for not doing things right. He allows me freedom so that I can make a mistake and still find favor in Him.

So today I sit here and think about what will happen today with my life. How will I walk out being a faithful man of God. I didn’t go to the prayer meeting for men this morning. Have I already failed God? I don’t think so. I think God is in all things.

So back to hearing the voice of God. It is said He has a still small voice. One that needs our attention is what that means to me.  I think I hear God in the wilderness as much as here in front of the fireplace. I hear Him in my work as a carpenter and as an Artistic painter. As a Papa and Husband. I hear Him as I work with men in our community or as I make a meal, as I look at a mountain or kiss my wife. I hear God all the time. I see Him in tears and suffering. I see Him comfort and allow us to just endure.

I believe that God has a plan and as we work out our lives with Him He allows us to hear His voice. His voice is Peace. His voice is Joy. His voice is Patience and Gentleness. He gives us the ability to have self control.

I think we have tried for years to put God in a box. To give Him a language that is one that can be controlled. I no longer think that way. I believe God is like my art work often. It come to life in and of itself. It is always art work. Some days I like it better then others. Some days I paint and others I don’t. But God is still there.

So hearing His voice I believe begins with Faith.  Faith that He is in favor of my walk in life and who I am. Faith that He is in control of today’s activities and tomorrow.  Faith He loves me. Faith He wants to communicate.

I walk in Faith today believing God is speaking to my Spirit, where He lives in me.

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Categories: Hearing God, Relationship | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

My Wife!

I have to say to begin with that My wife is on a journey to be healthy. The sad part is that she would like to take this journey by herself. Not my choice but I influenced it a lot in the past 27 years.

I believe I have been in a place of depression and in that place I find that I get caught sulking about my own situation. With the news that my wife would like me to move out or her move out I find that Divorce is looming at the door of my heart. As much as I would like to say that I’m not going to be divorced I find my heart wanting to help my wife get in a place of being healed and getting myself in that similar place as well.

So I started this post yesterday thinking that I would put my thoughts of my wife on a page but it’s not easy to stay true to the subject. For me so many emotions come to the surface. She has been my biggest supporter. I find that she continued to love me for years when her emotional bucket was EMPTY. It was willing herself to do something like that. Today she confessed that she does show Love to our children. We do have five in all. The oldest being 24 and the youngest being 6 at least for another month anyways. She lets us know regularly. That duty is a Mom’s duty and even when she does not like them she can find that extra ounce of Give to put some kind of encouragement or just a hug and for our youngest that likes to play with her hair! a tug or two on her pony tail. I watch her eyes sometimes squeeze tight with the not again look.

I find myself hoping things can change but I continue to hear that if they have not changed in 27 years why should they?? Good question! That I roll around and around in my head. She has a good point. My mortal self says!! She is done can’t you see that in her actions!! What more does she have to do? I ask myself that same question. If I only would have been more sensitive to the sexual relations we were having. If I could have only shut my month when she was in the process of telling me how she feels only to try to solve the problem.. If I only…

Now I sit here behind a black and white screen and think. I still love her! Is it fear of the unknown that I don’t want to let go? Is it fear I will loose my contact with my children? Is it fear of making new paths in a world that was so easy to walk with someone who gave in ALL THE TIME? I don’t have the answer. But I believe that my time is short. I believe she is so hurt by my actions that to move out would in ways stop the bleeding! Stop the hurt and allow healing to begin. Where do I go from here???

 

Another day and my thoughts still remain. What if? How can I? Is the chasm that I created or we created so large that we will never reach the other person as we once did? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions. What I do know is that I can still Love. I do love her. Now the question is HOW to continue to do that!! My affection button is hot and ready. But that I know is not the answer. I know my wife has asked me to not show affection in certain ways. It’s my testing ground for self control. Let’s count the days 27 years x 365 days = 9,855 days. That is a lot. Not all the days were great days to hug or show affection but even if half of them were good. 4,927. I think that would be more then enough. I fall short. I failed. I have to admit the evidence is against me. I wish I could say I’ll change I’m a different guy really!! The truth is that I am waking up. I do see some of the wrongs I have done. But it’s still to be truthful a crack in the door. What my heart would like to say is a crack that can be seen from both sides of the door. I have heard the saying CHANGE TAKES TIME! I believe that is true. I take one day at a time to live out what I believe. I still love my wife. What is new in my life is how that is done! Sure we have a summer break. In some ways that is easier but in others I has more pressure because our children are home for the summer.

I ca n see life in my wife. I can see happiness and peace. But is it due to her holding back her true feelings? Is she really uncomfortable with me as I look back for the past years can see. I heard someone speak about Patience a few weeks ago. It has some long term conditions to it. I should look up that meaning.

Patient –

1) capable of waiting: able to endure waiting, delay, or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset.

2) capable of persevering: able to persevere calmly, especially when faced with difficulties.

I sit here now behind my computer and wait. What will be the outcome? I feel God calling me to be Patient.

Categories: Family, Marriage, Men's issues | Tags: , , , | 3 Comments

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